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Crock Of Love

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What is this?

Running Time:   126 minutes
Released:   08/2009
Studio Name:   Kick Ass Pictures 
Description:   Sure, we all want to be macho music love gods and have sexy women blubbering incoherent words of amour at our feet. Some of us take guitar lessons to get started. Others grow their hair like rock musicians. And some work in a combination of both with the end result being to facts you see in this movie. Of course, if you're bald and have no hands, you're at a distinct disadvantage making this formula work for you. If that's the case, just sit back and ...More
Description:   Sure, we all want to be macho music love gods and have sexy women blubbering incoherent words of amour at our feet. Some of us take guitar lessons to get started. Others grow their hair like rock musicians. And some work in a combination of both with the end result being to facts you see in this movie. Of course, if you're bald and have no hands, you're at a distinct disadvantage making this formula work for you. If that's the case, just sit back and watch wishfully. It's probably the only shot at true happiness you've got. ...Less
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Reviewer: Paul Varjak, Jr. Date: 10/10/2009
Source: Aebn

Evan Stone could've been a rock star, but he most likely gets even more ass in his life as a cock star. Playing a rock star in a porno just makes it even better. In "Crock Of Love" from Kick Ass Pictures, Evan is great as washed-up rock star Brute Michaels, who's taken to television in search of love, or at least what passes for it on reality TV. We all knew, of course, with all the porn parodies kicking around these days, a "Rock Of Love" spoof was practically guaranteed. Let's face it, the premise practically begs for it. You know those glorified groupies are giving up a piece or two of themselves that we don't get to see on the show. The great thing about "Crock Of Love" is that we get to see all the sex you just know goes on in "Rock Of Love," but with even hotter girls who know how to fuck on camera and make it look good. There isn't a whole lot of difference between the real show and this spoof except for the X-rated bits.

We join the production in week seven, when there are only six girls left on the "show." That's good, because it means we're only going to see the cream of the crop. Evan, or Brute if you prefer, rolls up in his SUV and greets his TV harem, who are all topless so we can appreciate their natural beauty. Brute introduces us to the girls and asks them to tell him whether they are team players or in it for themselves. The selfish girls include beautiful Andy San Dimas, who trips while walking in extremely high heels on the grass and receives help from sweet but dimwitted redhead Nikki Rhodes, even though Andy is a cutthroat bitch. Anyway, Brute brings them into the house and starts strumming his guitar as they surround him on the couch. We get our first inkling of drama less than five minutes in, as Misty Stone (tag line: "Really Fucking Annoying") bitches about Andy ("Insane Lesbian") in a confessional. Misty accuses Andy of faking a twisted ankle and tries to prove it by slapping her injury. It doesn't bloom into a full-fledged catfight because Brute intervenes and takes Misty out of the room. The other girls complain that Misty is the one who started it and yet she gets to go be alone with Brute. Natalia Rossi ("Stone Cold Bitch") sympathizes with Andy to her face while in a confessional she implies Andy was faking it.

Meanwhile, Misty stupidly takes the opportunity to keep bitching about how fake Andy is while she has Brute to herself. He puts his hand over her mouth to shut her up and utters one of the funniest lines of the movie: "This is reality TV, OK? Nothing fake about this." He muffles her continuously complaining mouth with her own panties as he goes down on her, but it doesn't work for long. It's a wonder Brute doesn't lose his boner from Misty's incessant chatter, because not even his dick in her pussy makes her shut up. Finally, he muzzles her with his cock. Although a gag reflex-testing blowjob finally gets Misty to shut up about the other girls, she still resumes her yammering once her mouth is free, but at least she changes the subject to dirty talk. After Brute cums on her face and leaves the room to the sound of her resumed bitching, in a confessional he compares her mouth to a Gatling gun. Meanwhile, Misty's confessional reveals that she's not just a whiner, but also delusional about a newfound closeness with Brute. She's the next to go, losing the last rose to Victoria Lawson ("Penis-Phobic Wallflower").

Nikki ("Arrived On The Short Bus") is cold and nervous about the next day's challenge at an orphanage when she arrives to do a confessional, so Brute's bodyguard, Mikey Butders, warms her up with a little suck-n-fuck time and a pep talk while Brute is busy with some groupies. First he convinces this airheaded hottie that "the quickest way to an orphan's heart is through stripteasing" and that, basically, orphans are horn dogs just like him, since he's an orphan too. Can her beautiful tits, natural red hair, and firm ass make up for her following Mikey's suggestions at the orphanage (thankfully, something we don't see firsthand)? No, because not even Brute Michaels is going to put up with a scene like that. More importantly, why would he want sloppy seconds from his bodyguard?

These girls are of a similar caliber to what you see on the real TV show, complete with slutty behavior and psycho scheming. Petite drunkard Aiden Starr ("Loud Mouth Star-Fucker"), looking trashy and hot in a red fishnet shirt with no bra, takes a little detour on the road to love with Brute when she hooks up with his drummer, Justin Long, after a gig. Andy, whose devious plotting seems pointless for someone more interested in pussy, decides to "fuck Victoria right off the show" so Brute will see that Victoria can't even handle a woman like her, much less a man like him. As with Nikki, Brute doesn't like leftovers.

In the end, only one girl will get to wear the pearl necklace of Brute Michaels. Will it be ruthless lesbian Andy, who only wants to win because she hates to lose? Will it be Natalia, whom Brute finds the hottest even though she admits she hears voices? One thing that's definitely not a spoiler: Brute celebrates the selection of the winner in true cock star fashion. When his chosen girl starts talking about their wedding after they fuck, she's out just like the rest. After all, there's always next season.

"Crock Of Love" is the first entry in the booming spoof category for Kick Ass, and hopefully it won't be the last. The studio's over-the-top comic style as seen in their cuckolding features is on display here as well. All these girls are sexy and everyone is well cast. In his red bandana and eyeliner, Evan looks enough like Bret Michaels to make it work, but his own personality is about as rock star as it gets anyway, so he doesn't have to try hard to be convincing. He even gets his chance to show off his pipes as well as the pipe we all already know he's got: during the opening and closing credits, Evan sings an original song also called "Crock Of Love." This movie has bitchy hot girls just like you see on the real "Rock Of Love," and at least this time when they show their asses it's because they're naked. "Crock Of Love" is even better than the real thing (wait, wrong band).

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5 Scenes from Crock Of Love

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